To the Brink of Extinction, by Anonymous

So this is the story of how I got here, from the violence to sadness and silence to fear. And then how it shifted and finally changed, how life got re-centered and then re-arranged.

I know it all started in 1984, and life was a trip all the way to age 4. My Grandma came and stole me away, that was age 2 and a really bad day. Finally Mom got half of my time, the courts let my Grandma get away with that crime. I was so scared, I felt so alone, I just wanted somewhere that I could call home.

I was mistreated and life went downhill, I got very silent, to where silence could kill. Life really sucked and only got worse, sometimes I felt like my life was a curse. I started getting beat for things I didn't do, I'd fight getting hurt but I'd always lose. I'd fight with my Mom and I'd fight with my Dad, I fought to be good but I knew I was bad.

Suddenly these demons filled up my head and told me I was evil and that I should be dead. I listened and thought that their words were true, that maybe just dying was what I should do. I told my friend and he told me to stay, he told me that life wouldn't always be this way. He helped me to find a sense of relief, a moment away from all of my grief. So I kept on fighting through thick and through thin, trying to grasp that feeling again.

I drank very heavily, I drank till I shook, I drank to hide and I drank not to look. To hide from my feelings and hide from my pain, to hide from the fact I was going insane. I beat up my dog and I beat up my friends, but that isn't where this story ends.

There were people who loved me and cared none the less, even though I was mean and usually a pest. At 18 years old I was sent to the PHF on a 5150 and was told to take stuff. A pill for this and a pill for that, a pill for the reasons that I wore my hat. Behind my hat hid the real me, windows to the soul that you couldn't see. They popped in the meds for my problems and woes, for despair and anxiety and then let me go. I didn't like it, in fact I despised it, and although they didn't want to my friends realized it.

So suicide stayed at the top of my mind, to all other things I must've seemed blind. I heard all the noises and things that weren't real, that quickly led up to an inability to feel. Soon I was cutting until I would bleed, my blood like a river to fill up my need. My life was a curse, I knew that was true, that all other things were a lie, even you. I did lots of drugs and stayed up for days, I stayed up till I thought I was in a virtual maze. A fictional character that voices couldn't kill, constantly moving even when I was still.

Finally I reached the end of my rope, when suddenly I realized it was around my throat. And through all the letters and saying goodbye, the thought of the end made my heart cry.

And one of my angels must have been listening, cause that day someone showed me a light that was glistening. She took me by the hand and led me to safety, I could never repay her for the life that she gave me. She showed me a life with freedom of choice, and sometime ago I found my voice.

Then without warning my life took on meaning, and I found my own reasons to keep going to meetings. I worked very hard to get where I am, and on most days I have a new plan. The old one slips in for a while here and there, when sometimes I think that no one would care. But as time goes on and life seems to get better, I wear my smile, like a very warm sweater.

God gave me people to save me from self, to keep me from killing or hurting myself. I take medications as prescribed by the doc, and it keeps me from crawling the walls when I talk. My life's pretty stable, no longer insane, and not very often do I feel much pain. So I try to stay grateful and thank God each day, for giving me a life I'd have no other way.

Anonymous, Age 23

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